What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
How much will $20 get me?
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
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