What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
I'm the life of the paddy.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
Say it ain’t snow.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
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