Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I’m soy
into you.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
You're so clover!
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
I wood never leaf you.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
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