Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
My fridge is hotter than you.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
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