My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Go to BabaMail
