What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
You're the thought that counts!
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
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