I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
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