Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Best in snow.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
I’ll never fir-get.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
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