What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
"Bugs and hisses."
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
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