What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
I eat eel while you peel eel
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
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