Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
Variety is the ice of life.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Be kind, re-wine."
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Talk literary to me.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
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