I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
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