Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
You’re wine in a million.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Here comes the sun of my life
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
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