He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
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