Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
I love you dairy much.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
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