"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
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