A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
As it snow happens.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Can I be Candide with you?
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
That’s a-may-zing!
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
I love you a tot!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
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