Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
He’s an elf-made man.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
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