Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Don’t give into beer pressure.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
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