"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
I sulfur when you argon.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
I like you, you croc my world.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Go to BabaMail
