When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
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