“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Gold riddance.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
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