How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Make it rein.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
I beg your garden?
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
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