Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
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