What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Irish you luck.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
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