I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Help me score one more time for team Canada?
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
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