Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
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