Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
Let me plant one on ya!
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
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