What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Drink happy thoughts.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
The best stretches are partner stretches.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
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