What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Can February March? No. But April May.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
Talk literary to me.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
We like to paddy.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
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