Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
You’re Isaacly my type
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
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