"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
You know what they say? Words.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
I'm pine-ing for you.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
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