What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Let’s make like a banana and split.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
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