There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Long time no sea.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
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