The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
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