Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
You are my density!
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
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