Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
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