What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!

Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.

Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.

Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.

What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"

"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

- Pauline Thomason

When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.

Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.

What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!

A brain aneurysm would be swell.

What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.

Will you go penguin sledding with me?

I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.

That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?

Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.

I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.

Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.

How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome

"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide

My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.

My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.

"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family

What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.

I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.

What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?

Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.

Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.

What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.

What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.

What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.

What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.

Grate.

I beg your garden?