Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
I think you’re dandelion.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
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