Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
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