"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
You’re Isaacly my type
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
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