What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
"Lazy bones."
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
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