Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
My love for you simply radiates.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
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