Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
So … do you run here often?
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
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