Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
I like your tight end
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