Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
My lobster's name is:
Claude
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
You have one compact set.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
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