What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
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