All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.

Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.

The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.

Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.

I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.

Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?

If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney

You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.

Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.

How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep

Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.

Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.

“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.

It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.

Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.

Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"

What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.

I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.

"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen

What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.

What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle

What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!

What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!

Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.

A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.

"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers

Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.

“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”

“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”

The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.

It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.

Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.

Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.

What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”

Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One