If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
How was heaven when you left it?
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
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