A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I loaf you.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Go to BabaMail
