Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
I couldn't chair less!
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
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