How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
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