I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
"No body won the skeleton race."
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
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