Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.

What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.

Can I claim your baggage?

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C

I love you dairy much.

What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates

My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.

If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.

What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!

Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.

Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock

Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."

Yoda one for me!

Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.

Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!

Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.

My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere

Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination

Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.

What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.

My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.

I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested

I whale always love you.

The khaki in my shirt brings out the color in your eyes.

Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.

Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.

"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!

What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney

"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.