Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
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