What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.

The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.

Sip, sip, horray!

"I need to re-wine my life."

“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”

“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.

My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford

Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!

“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”

What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.

Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.

My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.

What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"

Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.

“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser

Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.

A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.

You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.

“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts

Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.

If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?

What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.

What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie

This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.

My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.

What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop

Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.

What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?

Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.

People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.

What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.

Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?

We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."

In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.