What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
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I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
The sun is just a big space heater.
"Eggs love you."
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
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