Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
There’s snow one like you.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Summer is just floating by.
I want you for no raisin.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
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