“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I love you a tot!
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
I dreamt about you. You died.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
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