I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
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