What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
You make me want to Twist and Shout
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
You look like trash, may I take you out?
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
It takes one to snow one.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
You’re right up my alley.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.
GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.
HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
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