What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
"Having a good hare day."
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
I could never Passover you.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
I fence-y you.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Life is better when we stick together.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
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