“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
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