Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
I goat this.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
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