"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
You’re my lucky charm.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
The Bible says to bring all our requests to God. I've prayed - and here you are.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Don't even chai.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
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