What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Go to BabaMail
