If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Don't fork-get your manners.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
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