When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
I find my core strength in you.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Go to BabaMail
