What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
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